Sparks

I met a guy from Tinder last Friday.  It was ok.  The earth didn’t quake or nothing.  You know me, I like my drama.  He was perfectly fine and very nice.  Just no spark.

Sparks are important.  I need some sparks.

So, I just kept right on swiping.  You know what is an automatic left for me?  A guy with a picture of him and another woman that looks like it could be his wife or S.O.  Left.  A guy who has a picture of his car or his motorcycle without him on in.  Left.  A picture and only a picture of a cartoon.  Left.  The words “No drama!” Left.  I don’t like bad drama either, but I also don’t like anyone to tell me what to do especially if I don’t even know you yet.

I just hate online dating.  I think I figured out why.  Because I don’t look good on paper.  I mean I start talking about my life and I got some ‘splainin’  to do.  Because for many, many years I was not a picture of mental health.  I was a damn mess.  And people you meet on-line want to get to know you and they’re all like “Tell me about your kids.” or what happened to your last relationship.  Oh.  You mean that one eight years ago which was really nothing but was as close as I got in the last 14.  Uuugggg.  Then I get all insecure.  I’m like,  OK I’m a hot mess, go find someone who didn’t wait so long to grow up or at least make a remote effort to grow up.  Because I’m still not grown up.  But I’m so much better than I used to be and I’m really very sane now.

But I survived the real life meeting the other night and he even looked happy when he saw me.  I’d meet someone else.  And I’m talking to another guy now.  Who I’m really kinda liking a lot.  Really fast.  And if the person who drove me to Tinder came around I might even be all like, “Whoa!  Relax, buddy.  It’s called life choices.  We make them and then we have to live with them.”  Because I want to see how this turns out.  I  do.  I’m thinking there might even be sparks.

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Monday Monday

I try to be positive about Mondays.  I don’t like them.  I just don’t.

I’m back on Tinder.  I guess this quest to find me a man isn’t a fleeting phase like usual.

Did I mention John got married?  Baby daddy tied the knot.  He did it on Valentines day.  That’s the day we were supposed to be get married.  It’s also my favorite holiday.  I’ve had some really great God shots on Valentine’s Day.  I won’t lie.  I was really upset at first.

They only dated a month. He’s like, “God told me to marry her.”  “It’s God’s will.” And I found out on FB.  Because I don’t care what anyone says he’s the same evil son of a bitch I left.  Valentine’s Day there was a flash blizzard.  Like it hadn’t snowed that much, that fast in Kentucky in God knows how long.  Yeah, God’s will.  I’d say that God wasn’t being very co-operative.  And I was so upset he ruined my Valentine’s Day.  I was upset at my HP that he let him ruin my Valentine’s Day.  Forever.

But then a day or two passed and it sunk into me that maybe it was the best thing ever.  Because I couldn’t ever really let go.  I couldn’t ever stop kinda, sorta waiting.  I was still waiting for him.  And now I wasn’t.  I was really free.  I could do whatever I wanted.  I didn’t have to wait anymore.  So maybe that whole thing was another God shot.  I was set free.

Only took me 10 , 11, 13.5  years to really move on.  Laurie isn’t returning my text or caring to see me.  That hurts.  But I’m letting her be.  She’s 14 now.  She knows who I am, where I am and I’m going to be here if she ever wants me.  She’s acting like, “Well, I have a mom, NOW.” and I’m  not going to engage.  I’m going to let her work out whatever she needs to work out and send her birthday and Christmas presents and wait it out.  Hopefully this too shall pass but I’m just not willing at this point to get emotionally into the middle of all that.  I don’t fault her.  It’s all him.  And he can just have fun playing his twisted games by himself.

So yeah.  I realized I was free as a bird.  And I was too fat to fly.  And then I started going to the gym and getting on with my life.  It’s been ok.

30 pounds down.  I’m going to do it for a year and see how big a difference it makes.  By then, one would hope I’ll have developed a set in stone habit.  It’s been three and a half months now.  I always make it longer in my mind.  “I’ve been doing this FIVE MONTHS and THIS IS IT???!!!  This is ALL that’s happened??!!  15 weeks. Almost 4 months.  I guess that is really good progress but I really wanted to be skinny by now.

And now I’m ready for my life to start really happening again and it’s taking too long.  🙂

Everything is taking too long.

 

Sunday

I woke up and looked at my phone and saw thousands of people were listening to a police scanner in Florida.  So I opened my ABC news app to see if anything major had happened.  When major stuff happens my scanner app alerts me.

50 people dead and over fifty wounded at a gay bar in Orlando Florida.  The shooter is dead.  The shooter was from the Middle East so already the speculation is terrorism.  And already there are arguments about gun control.

Life is horrifying.  It seems to get more so every year.

I get annoyed at all the FB post when something like this happens.  Changing profile pictures, I’m praying for the people of Orlando bullshit.  Because it doesn’t change anything.  It means nothing.  It changes nothing.  I certainly hope you are praying and, if you don’t pray, are at least thinking about them.

It is as annoying as those if you have the courage to believe in Jesus, or stand with the cops, or are against abortion, or you believe women should be able to control what happens to their body (although there are fewer of these) or if believe in equality share this post.  Hello?  That isn’t courageous.  There isn’t a shred of courage involved to share those post.  Courage isn’t getting onboard with what most of society agrees with anyway.

I remember when America was the greatest country in the world.  I remember when America had the respect of the rest of the world.  When we were the land of the free and the home of the brave.  What the fuck happened?  The decline of education.  The withdrawal of freedoms slowly and insidiously.  When I was a kid Americans could smoke anywhere.  They could be as drunk, stupid, racist, sexist as they wanted to be but only in the mist of their own circle because we didn’t have internet then.  Like their spew couldn’t really reach the wide audience it does today.  And if you overheard such nonsense at say the table next to you in a restaurant, you ignored it, raised your eyebrows and rolled your eyes at your sister,  and went on with your life.  Unless they were actively in the process of hurting or oppressing someone, you minded your own damn business.

Archie Bunkers were everywhere.  And you kind of hoped that the Gloria’s and Meatheads of the world would get in there and change their hearts and perspective.  But you.  You minded your own damn business and dealt with your own Archie Bunkers.

I’m not saying that it’s ok to smoke anywhere or be drunk, stupid, or racist.  I think that stuff is wrong.  I personally am not ok with any of that.  However I’m also not ok with people not being allowed to believe how they believe and not fear persecution because they express their opinion.  It’s not ok to have an opinion anymore unless the majority agrees with it  Like, it is really, really bad.  And the more “wrong” your opinion is the worse it is and I think that is why Trump has the support that he has.  Because he’s saying the shit that nobody else has the balls to say even though they think it.  Because he’s throwing that ignorant stuff on out there and people are feeling more free to feel how they feel and say what they think no matter how ignorant, racist, and sexist it is.  If Trump has shown us anything, it’s who those people are.  I even know some Trump supporters.  I don’t dislike them all.  I think in some instances, “Who knew?”  BUT I respect their right to be wrong.

Freedom is the right to be wrong.  Just like the kid who stands up and says “I’m gay.” has the right to be supported and respected.  The person who stands up and says, “I don’t think that is OK.” has the right to his opinion too.  We are free to believe in God.  We are free not to believe in God.  We are allowed to have our own thoughts and feelings no matter how right or wrong they are and if we could all just get on board with minding our own business I think the world would be a better place.

My that tangent took on a life of it’s own.

Oppression breeds anger, anger breeds hate, hate in a society that allows people to go to Walmart or an internet site and buy weapons, and doesn’t have adequate resources for the mentally ill create the society in which a person can go into a bar and kill over fifty people.  And a society where we’ll all change our FB pictures to “Prayers for Orlando” with crying emoji’s for a week before we forget about it and get back on with our lives.  If it’s even a week.

Monthly Update

I have actually attempted several updates but my computer was so awful I could barely get signed on before I’d give up and get on with my life. Having no laptop hasn’t been too bad with the phone but there are things I just won’t do on a phone like blog or email.  I’ll check my email a couple times a month and I’ll read it but I won’t respond in length.  So today I decided to get a laptop.  Because yet again I couldn’t get online.  It is a  tiny cute little laptop.  I hope I like it when I’m used to it.  It’s definitely more likeable than the old one. I’m not crazy about the size and how my hands lay across the keyboard.

I’m still working out almost daily.  I’ve lost thirty pounds.  I’m appalled at how much work it is to lose weight.  And I don’t understand it either.  I mean seriously I used to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.  Buffet?  Holla!  And how on God’s green earth I have only gained what I did is blowing my mind.  I should have been as big as a house.  Like I should have been so fat my own legs wouldn’t support my body weight.  Because I’m not doing that now.  I’m eating like a grown up who would like to healthy in her old age and I’m exercising, which I never did, and still this fat is clinging to me like a toddler with separation anxiety.    I’m very disappointed by how long this is taking.  And I’m wondering where the hell the weight is leaving me because I don’t see a big huge difference.  If I didn’t enjoy just how much better I felt after exercising I’m sure I’d be done with it by now.  🙂

I was at Mohammed Ali’s funeral procession yesterday.  They drove down Broadway right outside the building I work at.  I wouldn’t have missed it since I was there.  The streets were packed.  It was really exciting to see and to be there.  Mohammad Ali came up in our house when I was a kid.  My dad had been to Vietnam four times.  They tried to send him five but he went as high as the pentagon to not go the fifth time.  He did not like Mohammed Ali even a little bit.  He was hostile that he refused to fight.  I wonder if he’d feel the same way now, had he lived.  I’m a military girl.  I’m all about the military and I think we need a strong military.  However, I don’t blame anyone for not going to Vietnam.  I don’t blame anyone for standing up for what they believe in and if you look at his life you will see a man who was true to his beliefs.  He didn’t just talk about it, he was about it.  It’s really interesting when you consider he made his living and his name from boxing.  But perhaps that’s where he let all his hostility towards things he couldn’t control out.

I  got a pretty good picture of Will Smith yesterday, but this picture is my favorite one that I took.

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I’m Down with my Blog

I thought about this thing all day.  I was like…”I’m going to write about this.” and “I’m going to write about that.” and now here I am.  Writing.  I get all freaked out about someone I actually know in real life reading it.  I still don’t know what that’s all about.  When I write it’s very personal.  It’s like letting them see me naked.  NO.  And it baffles me because I keep it pretty silly.   It’s not like I often write about deeply personal things.  There are few people…my sister, Dawn…that I don’t mind.  But most people…I’m fine if they don’t know every little thing I think about.

My computer isn’t being a little bitch tonight either.

I’ve lost about 26 pounds.  I gained a lot when I quit smoking.  I was like pac man. Little snack, little snack, little snack, BIG MEAL, little snack, little snack, little snack… It was really ridiculous.   So on February 25th I made a commitment to myself I was going to be hot by summer.  I think summer might have have been pushing it but I’ll definitely be hot by fall.  I don’t know how I wasn’t as big as a house.  I thought when I started and I started watching my diet that it was going to be a little easier than it has been.  Because…exercise.  And I was being a lot more mindful of what I eat.

I think that just came natural with exercising.  I mean, why would I want to do all that work and then blow it with bad food.  So I think I was expecting to lose about 10 pounds every four days.  How could I not going from 20,000 calories a day to 1800? AND exercise.  (It probably wasn’t 20,000 most days but it was definitely a whole lot more than 1800.  S health said I should have 2600 or 2800 and I said, “No.”

So, yeah…I’ve been beast mode.  Because I don’t do nothing half way, I’m either going to do it or I’m not.  I’m all in or all out.  I go almost every day.  I plan everything around when I’m going to work out.  If I miss a day I feel bad.  I’m practically addicted.  I mostly just ride the stationary bike.  I put in headphones, listen to music  see how much resistance I can deal will and alternate the resistance.  I started with 20 minutes on 1.  And if I could do that I felt like a rock star.  I go between 40 and 50 minutes now and I go up to 7 and down to three.  I go between 11 and 12 miles.  Sometime I do the elliptical, and the longest I’ve gone with that is 10 minutes when all the bikes were being used.  I hate that thing.  I hate the treadmills.  Why is someone going to go to a gym to walk or run?  There is an awesome bridge and lots of parks people would walk and run at and there they are doing it on a treadmill.

I was still doing my 20 minute thing and I went in there one day and I’m peddling away and it just feels harder.  My legs are hurting.  I’m starting to sweat a whole lot.  It’s hard.  I’m like, “What is wrong with me?  It’s finally happening I’m about to die.”  Then I realized I’d been on 4 the whole time.  But I discovered the more I sweat the better I feel and after that it was on.  I’m not happy unless I sweat so much my t-shirt gets wet and my face is beet red.  I put my music in my ears, close my eyes and I’m gone.  It’s like meditation.

I got into a pair of jeans I haven’t fit into in several years last weekend.  I barely did and I couldn’t actually wear them in public because I had a muffin top, although I’ve noticed that doesn’t seem to bother a lot of people.  It does bother me.  I can’t be having  any bulges.

I’m real proud of myself.  🙂

Live, laugh, and rock on.:

My art.

Tinder Chronicles: Nope

Yet again, I lasted about a week or two.  I tried.  I tried to hang in there.  I tried to embrace the discomfort of being outside of my comfort zone.  But no.  Just no.  I just loathe internet dating.  I just can’t.  I’ve been there, done that.  I moved to a new state.

I think it was right after that, when I was wondering why my life felt like it was circling the drain again that I was sitting in an AA meeting, looking around and I thought, “I’d probably thoroughly enjoy chatting online with 90% of these men. But how many of them would I want to date?  None.  Not one. I mean, eww.”

Every now and then I try it again but I just can’t get that interested in it anymore.  Not since that three seconds in time.  It takes me some time to get comfortable in real life with people.  Forever.  When you are on a dating site those people want to meet you.  Like in real life.  Soon.  And all I can think about is those awkward uncomfortable silences over coffee while I wonder if he thinks I’m too fat for him. And then I decide I’m good. I like being single.

Yeah.  I”m going to make friends with a man and then fall for him and then let everything get all weird and awkward then.  That is my preferred course of action. But I have found the older I get the less drama I like.  I thought it was just other people’s drama but no I don’t like my own either. And just trying  to get this laptop to work well enough to write has been all the drama I can take tonight.

The Tinder Chronicales Day 1

I’m trying Tinder again.  I’m “putting myself out there.” (She rolled her eyes. Hard)  My sister says that is my problem.  I don’t put myself “out there.”

That is not as big a problem as a letter not working on my keyboard.  U.  There it is.

Fine. There I am.  Swiping left. swiping right.

So far…I’ve unmatched three people.  One guy pretty much insisted I get a KIK. Like, I thought, “You’re pretty demanding for someone I’ve known for a minute and a half.”  Because it was easier to chat, he said.  I think of KIK as being for 7th graders and child molesters.  But whatever.  Maybe I’m just not keeping up with the times. Maybe if I’m not with the program.  Maybe I’ve gotten THAT old.  So I deleted it after four minutes and him because he wasn’t talking to me on this “it’s so much easier to chat.”  I was in a mood.

I deleted the guy who’s first message was, “I want to bang you.”

I can’t remember why I deleted the other guy BUT I’m sure I had an excellent reason.

I got a lot of matches.  Some people are clearly as awkward as me on Tinder.  I didn’t delete anyone for that.

I was swiping along and up popped someone I knew.  Someone I worked for…like, I know him pretty well.  Now that has happened before and I swiped left so fast your head would spin.  But I thought about him.   Would I date him?  He’s really several years older than me.  It really gave me pause.  Finally the curiosity of knowing which way he’d swipe was more than I could stand and I swiped right.  Because yeah…I’d have dinner with him and I know I enjoy talking to him.  WTH.  Why not?

We matched.  Then I get a message.  And it’s like he isn’t aware he is messaging me.  Like he is oblivious he’s messaging me.  He has noticed that we have like 164 of the same friends.  Did I want to chat at 4?  I’m like, “Come on. What are you doing?  Did you even look at my pictures? Am I misrepresenting myself?” And that is how I pretty much reacted.  I know him that well.

I was hanging out with Garrison this afternoon.  I went back into my room and saw I missed his call at four. Well.  I really didn’t think he’d call after he found out it was me.  I called him back at 8 because he said he might be somewhere I was going.  He wasn’t so I called him when I got home.  Just to clear the weird.  We had a nice talk.  He didn’t ask me out though.

The most interesting match so far has been a professional story teller. He’s so open and talkative. He’s talking now. I’m going to go talk to him.